I’m writing under pretense that I am not hurt or destroyed. Let’s just pretend I am not. I did not know if I should tell you this in person or through writing but decided to write since I am much more better with written words.
I met a boy. There always is. He is the most intelligent, mature, and philosophical person I have met in my almost 25 years of existence. When I think of him, it’s like muscle memory. I know every feature his face has. His big brown eyes. His slightly freckled cheeks. His short, skinny fingers. The way the light nestles on the peaks of his sunburnt face.
He smells like home. His crooked smile is the best freaking smile I have witnessed. He held my hand three times; my fat, stubbly fingers fit snuggly with his. It is heaven just thinking about it. I don’t even want to forget this feeling.
Backstory: We met on the Internet. We have discussed a couple of stupid things along with socio-political issues I rarely talk about with anyone. He made me feel safe to express myself and that made me incredibly happy. He went here in February 2013 to join an international art convention and we met. Three times. He is a joy and pleasure to be with. We talked over coffee and dinner and beer. We’re friends and that’s what friends do – friends hang out. Long story short, he had to go back home. The emails and the conversation continued which is pretty cool.
In September 2013, he told me he likes me. Like really, properly like me. It felt like I had found my person. Finally, I thought. I did not mind the transatlantic friendship, not really. We stayed in like. I like that. I did not ask for anything more. What we had was enough. Until today.
He told me he has to “get off the face of the earth.” What that means, I don’t know. Maybe he’s trying to hide? “I have a lot on my plate. I need to decompress. Sorry.” That was what he said.
I asked, “How long will you be gone?” He said, “Not long.” But it already feels like an eternity. I have not found my person and now I am terrified to beg him to stay with me, just me, even for a bit longer. That maybe he is just a little confused.
I want to remind the Universe that he needs me more than I need him, not the other way around.
I don’t know but with him, it’s different. We do not have a concrete grasp of what our relationship is and obviously for some people that is a red flag, but I don’t feel that way. Is there something wrong with me?
Am I reading into this so much more than a normal person would? It really hurts. And I miss him so damn much. I just want him to come back. I really, really need that to happen.