18 Years

I know you’re watching over me. Maybe as I am typing these words, you are behind me reading. I just want to tell you that I miss you terribly. I wish we had more time.

I’m not blaming you for the struggles life has thrown me but I wish you were there to guide me to the right direction. I never understood your passing until I was old enough to make decisions for myself. Life is hard, I bet you know already know that. But it so much harder when your father isn’t present.

18 years. You have been gone for 18 years. Has it been that long? I’d admit that there was a time I got used to not having a father. Mama did a great job raising two kids alone. But there are days when I wonder what it is like if you hadn’t died? Would I have ever been this damaged?

In case you are wondering, today is one of those days.

I also regret that I wasn’t old enough to tell you how much I love you. And I cannot remember a lot of things from when you were alive. Except for that night you went home from the hospital and you told us you sneaked out of the hospital to get us Dunkin’ Donuts.

I am furious that we don’t have a lot of memories. We could have created tons of stupid memories so when the time comes that you have to leave, I am left with something.

You were gone to soon, Daddy. I love you.

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One thought on “18 Years

  1. ❤ I know you probably hear this all the time – But, I will say it once more..You're not alone and your Daddy is with you. He is in your smile, your frown, your every tear. Your bits and pieces of happiness and hes there wishing for more of those times. He walks beside you, Not ahead or behind. When you dream of him – that's his way of telling you he's ok.
    Write to him – Just as you do. Talk to him ..as Im sure you have. There is no time limit on our grieving. Don't let anyone tell you different..But, never for one moment feel you are alone – and, not for one more minute – stop from living your life..this beautiful life you've been given, because I can promise you – this isn't the life your father wished or wanted for you..This isn't why he brought you into this world – Or why he stays so close in your heart…He stays to continue seeing your smiles and hear your laughter. And, its Okay to think of him and memories and smile again.
    Its okay not to cry ..at least all the time.
    I lost my daughters father, and my 3 step-childrens dad- almost 7 years ago. It's always hard..but, it does get easier. I promise.
    Keep talking about him-its not unhealthy..when it becomes unhealthy is when you lose yourself in your grief. Don't isolate – and keep your writing..its beautiful.
    I'll listen. 🙂 ❤

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